Sometimes, you do not know who you truly are until you face
adversity and stand on your own two feet.
This week marks my 20th week in the city of
Natchitoches (and being on my own) and I have learned a lot during my stay
here.
Let’s start with the good…
The good is that I can sense growth in myself—professionally
and personally.
Professionally, I love my job at The Natchitoches Times as their sports editor. It has allowed me to
meet different people along the way—coaches, players, youth, coworkers, etc… I
know that the best is yet to come as I am learning how to write, edit and even
interview and tell stories.
Personally, I see growth too, because it feels like the
26-year old me not just acts, but thinks a lot differently than myself from the
ages of 13, 16, 18, 21, 23, or even 25. Certain things do not irritate me like
they used to and I feel like I have matured along the way.
However, there’s the bad…
I feel unappreciated and alone at times.
Unappreciated, because I do not think that people will ever
understand the person that I am.
Alone, because I have been transplanted out in to the real
world.
As crazy as it may seem, while I have the job I wanted, a
car to get me to and from, and a place to stay, I still feel empty.
I always wished that I had someone that was by my side while
I go through life’s struggles.
For whatever reason, I have not in a relationship since the
ninth grade—12 years ago. A part of me always wants to know how that feels,
because honestly I would feel like I am good person for someone.
However, I always hear the same shit. “You’re too good for
me,” “You’re too good to be true”, or even “I only see you as a friend.”
I have heard (and well seen) it all in my life with this and
honestly it has gotten to the point where it diminishes my confidence, because
the same thing could happen—leaving me back at square one.
Also, I wonder with a lot of cases of guys and girls being friend
zoned, that is it even worth it for me to even have friends of the opposite sex
and gender?
Just for once, I would love to witness being in a relationship
with a woman whether it goes belly up after Day 1 or it leads to a marriage
(and beyond).
I am sure that day is coming but I always wonder when?
I love God, my family, friends, and myself (and I’m sure you
guys love me right back and I am not trying to Bible-thump to those who do not.
I love everyone no matter what religion, race, or creed you are), but seeing
the ones you really care about struggling, well it hurts.
My mom recently lost her job due to the job being relocated
and to see her look for a job and strike out every time hurts me too. And
although my relationship with my dad is not the greatest in the world, seeing
him in a nursing home hurts me as well.
You may not care what I am writing about…I totally
understand that, but damn it, I have feelings.
I smile when things are not going well, because I do not
want you to know what is going wrong. I sometimes like to be alone because I have
been burnt by people before and it is hard for me to trust some people.
And I still wish a friend of mine would find it in her heart
to forgive me and be my friend again. I am really hoping she reads this even
though I think it is a lost cause.
But, to some, I am a good person
(I had to do it P.G., lol)—and it shows a lot in how much you care.
But, anyway, I might have rambled on with no real end, but
yeah. I just hope that if someone that is reading this is being touched, then I
done my job.
Until next time….
